Friday, October 28, 2011

Do It Anyway By Mother Teresa

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed Anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A Sure Thing By Me

There is no possibility of changing the past.
Trust me, I've tried.
And there is certainly no way to see into the future.
Believe me, I've attempted that too.

The turning of tides will continue to roll in --
what do you do?
You get up each day, breathe in and out.
How do you do that?
You look over, see my face and know --
Know that I love you.
And if that doesn't keep you going,
No love ever will.
Because my love - for you- is greater.
Less weary than the tides.
And stronger than the waves.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Dream By David Solway

I dreamed that you had ceased to love me—
not that you had come from other beds
back to mine, or gone from mine to others,
just that something in your heart had stopped.

I willed myself awake to find you still
beside me. It was just a dream, I thought,
yet when I turned to kiss you, in your eyes
I saw that you had ceased to love me.

I willed myself awake a second time
to find myself alone, as I have been
these many months, but did not know if it
was terror or relief I felt, and whether

dreams unfold the past or make the future
plain. I dreamed that you had ceased to love me,
and know when I see nothing in your eyes
I can't dream myself awake a third time.

Monday, October 24, 2011

By Unknown

I've travelled the world twice over.
Met the famous; saints and sinners.
Poets and artists, kings and queens.
Old stars and hopeful beginners.
I've been where no-one's been before.
Learned secrets from writers and cooks.
All with one library ticket.
To the wonderful world of books.

Litany By Billy Collins


You are the bread and the knife
The crystal goblet and the wine...
-Jacques Crickillon

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker,
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine-scented air.
There is just no way that you are the pine-scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's tea cup.
But don't worry, I'm not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and--somehow--the wine.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

180 Movie

Here I am To Worship

Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness.
Opened my eyes, let me see.
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
All together worthy,
All together wonderful to me

King of all days
oh, so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came
To the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
All together worthy,
All together wonderful to me

I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross
I'll never know how much it cost

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
All together worthy,
All together wonderful to me

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
All together worthy,
All together wonderful to me

I'll never know how much it cost
to see my sins upon that cross.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

Written by Mary Elizabeth Frye:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Blessing Of Friendship

This is from my other blog, which I don't use as much as I'd like, but this particular post is especially important to me. This was posted in May and it still rings true for our friendship. I don't know what my life would be like without her in my ear each day, but I feel so blessed to have her. We are only 4 years out of high school, but there were other pairs like her and I that we thought would be friends forever, have not stuck it out. They have either lost touch, disagreed, or just let each other go. In fact, I had one relationship that I thought would go further than it has, but our differences have separated us.

Sometimes people come into our lives that stick around, and they aren't family. I wish each person could find another that they were able to connect to in this way - friends are one of the greatest gifts God can give us. So here is that post from May:

I wish you this friendship.

“She’s the mother I never had. The sister everybody would want. The friend everybody deserves. I don’t know a better person. It’s making me cry because I’m thinking how much I probably never told her that. We’re not like, ‘Oh, you, you’re my dearest friend . . . thanks.’ The therapy I didn’t have and don’t need is because of my thousands and thousands of hours on the phone with Gayle.

I get to release the day by talking it through. And I just realized she’s the friend everybody should have. I have said we are not gay enough times. I am not lesbian. Not even kind of lesbian. That irritates me because it means somebody must think I’m lying. That’s No. 1. No. 2, why would you want to hide it? That is not the way I run my life.”

Oprah was quoted as saying this during her interview with Barbara Walters about her relationship with Gayle. How frustrating it must be for both of them to have to confront such RIDICULOUS questions about who they are as individuals and as a pair.

I have concluded that not many people are blessed with such a person in their lives and that is why it is so heavily questioned - I, however, have been fortunate enough to find a best friend. And I don't use that term lightly; she truly is the BEST friend I could have ever hoped for.

She is the one person I am able to be completely honest with - I have no fear in telling her everything about myself. No hesitations, no insecurities. I am just totally myself, good day or bad. She lives 9 months out of the year in Virginia while I live in Michigan. We are 10 hours away from each other yet we still find the time to talk each day. To laugh, to cry, to vent, to discuss, to learn, to fight, and to love. We challenge each other yet we support each other, we bicker and laugh, we cry, and we fight - our emotions toward each other are completely unguarded. If I feel it, I show it. If I think it, I say it - but only with her.

I am not a lesbian. Nor is she. We both are very attracted to the opposite sex and are almost constantly talking about the men around us and hopefully one day each of us will find the man we are supposed to spend our days with, BUT she is still my soul mate - forever and for always.


Three things that I know to be true:

1. Sometimes words aren't enough.

2. The imagination I used to have and the creativeness I used put into my writing has diminished substantially since starting college.

3. I am most relaxed when I'm listening to the radio.

Three people I'd love to meet:

1. Maya Angelou

2. Ellen Degeneres

3. Sarah Kay

Three places I'd love to go:

1. New York City

2. Bora Bora

3. Australia

Three things I'd take in a fire:

1. My phone

2. Photos

3. My bible or In Lieu of Flowers

Three favorite words:

1. liberate

2. encourage

3. laugh

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

By E.E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Santa Baby

I have officially begun listening to Christmas music. Is it a bit early? Probably, but I don't care. It is my favorite time of the year and I am going to cherish it as much as I can.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Say What?

I need to be sleeping. I need to be laying in bed (preferably listening to Delilah) and letting my mind drift into a dream that I'll awake to and say "what the hell?"

But here I am - searching the internet, looking for something new and interesting, waiting for something news worthy to happen. I don't know why I do this to myself. It seems as though each night I need to be sleeping, I can't and each night I can be wide awake, I am exhausted.

Maybe deep thinking about whatever I'm about to write here will tucker me out. I don't think I've ever had thoughts THAT deep, but you never know.

Classes are going well - my senior psychology class has been a struggle for me. We don't have exams, or long papers, but we discuss theories and ideas about life that I don't agree with. There are times I sit in my desk, next to my peers and bubble inside with anxiety and defensive thoughts wondering why anyone would want to take their beliefs about LIFE in that direction. The topic was the existential theory. For those that don't know, it is the idea that our lives don't hold any true meaning. We only hold meaning in our lives because we have the ability, as humans, to do so. It is what separates from animals. Those that agree with this say there is a positive side: we are able to create our own meaning through self-actualizing, and also know that true meaning is fictitious.

...I'm sorry. What? That doesn't make ANY sense. FYI, if you read about this theory it is going to sound a lot more academic and unbiased, but that is pretty much what I got from it.

Go ahead and make your own interpretations of it, but here are my overall thoughts: PISS ON THAT! Our lives hold meaning and purpose that is worth pursuing: where would we be if everyone thought this way?

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Bittersweet Transition

Today was the last day of watching my two cousins - the entire summer we have spent laughing, swimming, biking, baking, drawing, coloring, watching, and at times, crying. These girls are so much younger than I yet they teach me so much. I used to think I was patient, and that not many things could get under my skin - WRONG! I have grown to be more patient than I was and now less things get under my skin. I learned to stop guiding and disciplining them based entirely on how I was led and punished (I always said I wouldn't be my parents, but as most know, that always comes full circle). However, these girls were unpredictable and I taught myself to let them be themselves. If they wanted to do something that I knew would turn out badly (within reason), I let myself let them do it. It may have ended in tears, but then that way they were teaching themselves rather than having me tell them what to do.

Now the summer is over and school starts again in 3 days. I am so excited to expand my learning in the psychology field yet I am sad summer is over. I have been so blessed to have a wonderful summer filled with family and friends - moving back to school where those that I know aren't near me is difficult, but I also love experiencing new territory. I hope to continue this blog, but I am not a very habitual person - I am doing my best though! Well maybe that isn't true, I could probably try harder, but this isn't really my first priority. Not that I don't love writing here. I love the idea that my words are seen my eyes unknown. Even if they aren't, I am able to easily imagine that I have thousands of viewers that laugh at my corny jokes or ache when I ache. I know it is far-fetched, but imagining this reminds me that I am still able to create scenarios and that is really where I'd like my writing to progress to. Stories of love, death, birth, religion, and other deep emotional aspects of humanity.

Well I think I've rambled enough. Once again, I'll miss these girls but I'm ready for something new - plus, I will see them over breaks and probably be watching them next summer.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

This Moment in Time

The summer is practically over - the school year is just around the corner and the anticipation that fills me is the same nervousness I had on the first day of my freshmen year in high school. This past year was smooth sailing - most everything went as planned and I am blessed to say that all of my family is still alive and well. However, I also realize that I mustn't take these moments for granted. Each day that my family and friends are okay, I am okay. The moments that I am able to spend with them I have to remember to cherish because all we have is today. There is no guarantee for tomorrow - no contract that says "you will have until this day." None of that - life is always whipping and winding, going in whichever way it pleases. So in this moment, right now, be sure to live in love and with appreciation.

Deja Vu Forever by Bukator

Deja Vu...has it ever touched you?
Do you ever feel...this has happened before,
once, twice, three times or more?
Have you ever thought...maybe it's real,
and not just a weird sensation you feel?
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe it's true?
Maybe it's evidence, a hint, or a clue,
to the ultimate issues of life, death, and space.
Could this be the answer to questions we face?
It is said that the universe is currently growing.
It is also said that this growing is slowing.
So what happens then, when this growing ends?
Does it start to contract? Does it start to go back,
to that little tight ball where it all began?
Only to start over...all over again?
Is it possible our lives are stuck in a hoop?
A continuous cycle, an endless loop?
And that all that we do, is just...deja vu?

Monday, August 22, 2011

"A Woman Should Have" by Pamela Redmond Satran

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to…

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

a youth she’s content to leave behind….
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

a feeling of control over her destiny.

how to fall in love without losing herself.

how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

Grandpa Stoner

Happy Birthday Grandpa Stoner!!

Maybe another reason I have been thinking about death today is that what would have been my grandpa stoner's 89th birthday is today. I hope he is doing well and that he is "just around the corner."

This may sound morbid...

I love this poem. It was introduced to me by my Aunt. If there are any readers out there, you may think I am a little morbid since my last post related to death also, but this poem is just one that speaks to me. Hope it reaches you as it did me!

Just Around the Corner

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow,
laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort,
Without the trace of a shadow in it.
Life means all that it ever meant,
it is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity,
why should I be out of mind,
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you
somewhere very near
just around the corner.
All is Well.

I have known this poem for nearly 5 years and bringing it up stems from a recent conversation I had with a good friend. We were discussing what heaven and hell may be and how each person's "hell" may vary. Based on the conversation we had, I gathered that she has doubts about heaven and what it entails. It may sound naive of me, but I have no doubts that heaven will be...well...heaven. I am not afraid of death nor do I attempt to avoid it. It isn't that I don't find death sad or worth grief and sorrow. It is that I am comfortable with the idea of afterlife. If we have faith in Christ, and he is within our hearts then heaven will provide us with more than we can imagine and further, the best versions of ourselves will be exhibited in this glorious place.

Friday, July 22, 2011

If Die Young

"If I Die Young"

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Looking for that special something...

I want a poem that will make me cry. Weep, in fact at it's depth and sorrow, or maybe love and happiness, or possibly at it's survival and heroism. I want a poem that will give me goosebumps once I get to that line. You know the one - it is the line that brings the poem together, into a full circle, moving the poem above the average and into "you've got to read this." I want that poem.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Postcards by Sarah Kay

This post links closely with the previous blog. You may take something different from it, but for me it is a reminder that we should each live our lives in the moment - if we feel something, do it. If we think it, say it. Holding back because of our insecurities will only end with regret.


I had already fallen in love with far too many postage stamps.

When you appeared on my doorstep wearing nothing but a postcard promise.

No, appear is the wrong word. Is there a word for sucker punching someone in the heart?

Is there word for when you’re sitting at the bottom of a roller coaster and you realize that the climb is coming, that you know what the climb means, that you can already feel the flip in your stomach from the fall before you’ve even moved?

Is there a word for that?

There should be.

You can only fit so many words in a postcard.

Only so many in a phone call, only so many into space before you forget that words are sometimes used for things other than filling emptiness.

It is hard to build a body out of words – I have tried.

We have both tried.

Instead of lying your head against my chest, I tell you about the boy who lives downstairs from me.

Who stays up all night long practicing his drum set.

The neighbors have complained. They have busy days tomorrow, but he keeps on thumping through the night convinced, I think, that practice makes perfect.

Instead of holding my hand, you tell me about the sandwich you made for lunch today.

How the pickles fit so perfectly against the lettuce. Practice does not make perfect.

Practice makes permanent.

Repeat the same mistakes over and over and you don’t get any closer to Carnage Hall, even I know that.

Repeat the same mistakes over and over and you don’t get any closer! You never get any closer.

Is there a word for the moment you win tug of war?

When the weight gives and all that extra rope comes tumbling towards you.

How even though you’ve won you still wind up with muddy knees and scratches on your hands.

Is there a word for that? I wish there was.

I would have said it.

When we were finally alone together on your couch, neither one of us with anything left to say.

Still now, I send letters into space.

Hoping that some mailman somewhere will track you down and recognize you from the descriptions in my poems.

That he will place the stack of them in your hands and tell you “There is a girl who still writes you. She doesn’t know how not to.”

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Dear Regret,

The time it takes to let go of you seems to drag on forever. You creep up in moments when least expected and crowd in on me when I am most vulnerable. Whether I think of you each day or only once a month, the years I have held onto you don't seem to be ending. The level of "i wish I had, I should have, I would change" is different each time it comes into my mind - I wish I had loved him more, I should have taken more risks, I would change how I ended "the" relationship. BUT I can't do anything to change what has happened and honing in on my mistakes and the "could have beens" is not going to create happiness in my life. There are things I would have done differently - there are times I wish I would have opened up - there are changes I would make to how I treated you, but "it is what it is" and accepting the past for what it is, is the ONLY way i will come to terms with the present.

I am still struggling, but maybe writing this (possibly confusing) message is another step in my healing/acceptance.

Thanks for the life lessons,

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

"some nights I wake up knowing he is anxious"

This poem called "Private Parts" by Sarah Kay speaks to me at a very deep level. I feel very similarly about the "first love of my life" - we may have not lasted as long as what we could have, or seen each other "naked," but I stilled loved and continue to care for him very much. However, I've never said all the things I'd like to say to him - too afraid, too shy, too much pride. It doesn't matter what it was that kept me from being honest with him, but I do hold that regret with me. Our relationship ended abruptly and too soon. We may not have ended up being "soul mates," but at least if I'd been honest and open with him, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. I wish him the best in his life and that he finds true love; I know that someday I will and that maybe someday I'll stop thinking about him.

The first love of my life never saw me naked.
There was always a parent coming home in a half hour.
Always a little brother in the next room.
Always too much body and not enough time for me to show him.
Instead, I gave him my shoulder, my elbow, the bend of my knee.
I lent him my corners, my edges.
The parts of me I could afford to offer.
The parts of me I had long since given up trying to hide.
He never asked for more.
He gave me his eyelashes, the back of his neck, his palms.
We held each we were given like it was a nectarine.
Could bruise if we weren't careful.
We collected them like we were trying to build an orchard.
The spaces he never saw, the ones my parents had labeled "private parts."
When I was still small enough to fit all of myself and worries inside a bathtub,
I made up for by handing over all the private parts of me.
There was no secret I didn't tell him.
There was no moment I didn't share.
We didn't grow up, we grew in, like ivy wrapping, molding each other into perfect yings and yangs.
We kissed with mouths open.
Breathing his exhale into my inhale.
We could have survived underwater, or in outer-space, living off only the breath we traded.
We spelled love G-I-V-E
I never wanted to hide my body from him.
If I could have I would have given it all away with the rest of me.
I didn't know it was possible to save some things for myself.
Some nights I wake up knowing he is anxious.
He is across the world in another woman's arms
and the years I have spread us like dandelion seeds,
sanding down the edges of our jigsaw parts that used to only fit each other.
He drinks from the pitcher on the nightstand.
Checks the digital clock, it is 5 am.
He tosses in sheets and tries to settle.
I wait for him to sleep before tucking myself into elbows and knees.
Reaching for things I have long since given away.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Fifty People One Question

I spotted this series of videos through - I was surprised by how much it moved me. I hope you'll take the time to watch, and that it speaks to you in the way that it did to me: we all have secrets, and insecurities, but accepting ourselves for who we are as individuals takes courage and confidence. To do so would be a great accomplishment.

Maya Angelou - Love Liberates

For those of you who don't know this great poet, take the time to read her wonderful poems, quotes, and words of wisdom. Also, if you have the chance, watch Oprah's Master Class with Maya Angelou - it is INCREDIBLE.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me

Thursday, May 26, 2011

He's Just Not That Into You

Many people have said they don't like the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." I, on the other hand, LOVE it. I think the movie and book speaks to so many levels of girls and that the message it sends allows an epiphany of sorts - although some may view the message as mean-spirited, generalizing men and saying the unspeakable to women, but it is so much more than that: it helps women realize that if a man isn't "into you" it is not because you are unworthy, it is because you just haven't found the right person (I guess men are just able to see that quicker, or maybe they are just better at closing their hearts; I'm not sure about that one).

Let me tell you my "He's just not that into you story," which actually involves the book. For the purpose of this blog, I will call him Eric. During high school I constantly imagined us as a couple, wanting him to want me, liking him so much I didn't open my eyes to other men, and only because we happened to spend so much time together. My best friend was dating his best friend and I thought it would be perfect if we could be together. Eventually, after nearly 3 years, I was running out of energy - at just about the time this book came out. The four of us went to dinner, another night where I asked myself "is this going to be the night where friendship becomes romance?" However, before dinner we wandered around the mall and I spotted this book, in front of him. It was just newly released and I read the back. In that moment, I had my epiphany. I realized with sadness and sense of relief that he just wasn't that into me. He wasn't, he couldn't help, but he just wasn't. It was what it was - in that moment I let go of all of my insecurities and became myself without hesitation. Soon afterwards he asked me out - I said no. I felt that going out with him would be step backwards for myself, not because he was a bad guy, but because I had grown up so much since that moment and I had become someone who didn't want him to want me or someone who imagined us as a couple. I was just myself. Just myself without a shadow of useless desire in on my face. When the right guy comes, I'll know and I won't have to wait three years before he decides he's interested.

*Nearly three years after college Eric dropped out of college, became an alcoholic and is on the verge of a drug addiction - he didn't hardly give me the time of day during high school, as I swooned over him, and now each time I see him I see someone I don't know walking in a body that used to hold someone I cared dearly about, but who wasn't that into me. Is this a full circle? I'm not sure.

That was pretty complicated, but I hope you got my gist.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

He loves us.

"The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us."
— C.S. Lewis

I believe the words of this quote, but I also struggle with the meaning - I must remind myself that even if I make a mistake, or sin, or continue to sin, God will always love me. I cannot lose my salvation.

I am His child and His love keeps me strong - If I follow His hand to the best of my abilities, I will live a fulfilled life that He has laid out for me.

Should I let it all go? Or should I keep dreaming?

I've always wanted to write a novel. I've wanted to so much that I've practically dreamed myself into oblivion - all of the possibilities, where my journey could take me, who I could meet, what I would do if this dream was accomplished, but alas I have not even completed more than three chapters in my novel. I am dreamer that dreams of far away places, different people, and a world beyond my own yet I don't take any initiative to make my dreams come true.

Am I afraid?
No, I don't think so. Well, maybe I am and am in denial. I honestly do not know.

Do I feel I'm not good enough?
Sometimes this is my biggest problems, but other times this isn't a problem at all. This feeling of being too "little" in a such a "big" world is more a general aspect of my life and doesn't necessarily apply to my writing - I know I can write well if I want to. Maybe I just don't want to be rejected, or be told what I already know about myself - I am not any better than anyone else.

Am I stuck in my current life?
Yes. I am. The life I have now is filled with love, family, and friends - why would ANYONE want to give that up? That doesn't make sense to me either, how can I dream of leaving everything and person I know all for a dream of writing a story of people I've never met and don't exist. I don't think I'll ever figure that one out.

The three questions above are aspects of what I want from life that I am still trying to figure out - fear, rejection, and hesitation. However, while I am figuring out whether I want to pursue my dreams or not, I thoroughly enjoy reading the novels of others and reading where their minds take them. The purpose of this blog is write - just to write about the writing of others, in the hopes that I find where my writing belongs in the world.