Thursday, August 25, 2011

Bittersweet Transition

Today was the last day of watching my two cousins - the entire summer we have spent laughing, swimming, biking, baking, drawing, coloring, watching, and at times, crying. These girls are so much younger than I yet they teach me so much. I used to think I was patient, and that not many things could get under my skin - WRONG! I have grown to be more patient than I was and now less things get under my skin. I learned to stop guiding and disciplining them based entirely on how I was led and punished (I always said I wouldn't be my parents, but as most know, that always comes full circle). However, these girls were unpredictable and I taught myself to let them be themselves. If they wanted to do something that I knew would turn out badly (within reason), I let myself let them do it. It may have ended in tears, but then that way they were teaching themselves rather than having me tell them what to do.

Now the summer is over and school starts again in 3 days. I am so excited to expand my learning in the psychology field yet I am sad summer is over. I have been so blessed to have a wonderful summer filled with family and friends - moving back to school where those that I know aren't near me is difficult, but I also love experiencing new territory. I hope to continue this blog, but I am not a very habitual person - I am doing my best though! Well maybe that isn't true, I could probably try harder, but this isn't really my first priority. Not that I don't love writing here. I love the idea that my words are seen my eyes unknown. Even if they aren't, I am able to easily imagine that I have thousands of viewers that laugh at my corny jokes or ache when I ache. I know it is far-fetched, but imagining this reminds me that I am still able to create scenarios and that is really where I'd like my writing to progress to. Stories of love, death, birth, religion, and other deep emotional aspects of humanity.

Well I think I've rambled enough. Once again, I'll miss these girls but I'm ready for something new - plus, I will see them over breaks and probably be watching them next summer.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

This Moment in Time

The summer is practically over - the school year is just around the corner and the anticipation that fills me is the same nervousness I had on the first day of my freshmen year in high school. This past year was smooth sailing - most everything went as planned and I am blessed to say that all of my family is still alive and well. However, I also realize that I mustn't take these moments for granted. Each day that my family and friends are okay, I am okay. The moments that I am able to spend with them I have to remember to cherish because all we have is today. There is no guarantee for tomorrow - no contract that says "you will have until this day." None of that - life is always whipping and winding, going in whichever way it pleases. So in this moment, right now, be sure to live in love and with appreciation.

Deja Vu Forever by Bukator

Deja Vu...has it ever touched you?
Do you ever feel...this has happened before,
once, twice, three times or more?
Have you ever thought...maybe it's real,
and not just a weird sensation you feel?
Has it ever occurred to you that maybe it's true?
Maybe it's evidence, a hint, or a clue,
to the ultimate issues of life, death, and space.
Could this be the answer to questions we face?
It is said that the universe is currently growing.
It is also said that this growing is slowing.
So what happens then, when this growing ends?
Does it start to contract? Does it start to go back,
to that little tight ball where it all began?
Only to start over...all over again?
Is it possible our lives are stuck in a hoop?
A continuous cycle, an endless loop?
And that all that we do, is just...deja vu?

Monday, August 22, 2011

"A Woman Should Have" by Pamela Redmond Satran

enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to…

something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

a youth she’s content to leave behind….
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

a feeling of control over her destiny.

how to fall in love without losing herself.

how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

Grandpa Stoner

Happy Birthday Grandpa Stoner!!

Maybe another reason I have been thinking about death today is that what would have been my grandpa stoner's 89th birthday is today. I hope he is doing well and that he is "just around the corner."

This may sound morbid...

I love this poem. It was introduced to me by my Aunt. If there are any readers out there, you may think I am a little morbid since my last post related to death also, but this poem is just one that speaks to me. Hope it reaches you as it did me!

Just Around the Corner

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow,
laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort,
Without the trace of a shadow in it.
Life means all that it ever meant,
it is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity,
why should I be out of mind,
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you
somewhere very near
just around the corner.
All is Well.

I have known this poem for nearly 5 years and bringing it up stems from a recent conversation I had with a good friend. We were discussing what heaven and hell may be and how each person's "hell" may vary. Based on the conversation we had, I gathered that she has doubts about heaven and what it entails. It may sound naive of me, but I have no doubts that heaven will be...well...heaven. I am not afraid of death nor do I attempt to avoid it. It isn't that I don't find death sad or worth grief and sorrow. It is that I am comfortable with the idea of afterlife. If we have faith in Christ, and he is within our hearts then heaven will provide us with more than we can imagine and further, the best versions of ourselves will be exhibited in this glorious place.