Fifty People One Question

I spotted this series of videos through stumbleupon.com - I was surprised by how much it moved me. I hope you'll take the time to watch, and that it speaks to you in the way that it did to me: we all have secrets, and insecurities, but accepting ourselves for who we are as individuals takes courage and confidence. To do so would be a great accomplishment.

Maya Angelou - Love Liberates

For those of you who don't know this great poet, take the time to read her wonderful poems, quotes, and words of wisdom. Also, if you have the chance, watch Oprah's Master Class with Maya Angelou - it is INCREDIBLE.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me

He's Just Not That Into You

Many people have said they don't like the movie "He's Just Not That Into You." I, on the other hand, LOVE it. I think the movie and book speaks to so many levels of girls and that the message it sends allows an epiphany of sorts - although some may view the message as mean-spirited, generalizing men and saying the unspeakable to women, but it is so much more than that: it helps women realize that if a man isn't "into you" it is not because you are unworthy, it is because you just haven't found the right person (I guess men are just able to see that quicker, or maybe they are just better at closing their hearts; I'm not sure about that one).

Let me tell you my "He's just not that into you story," which actually involves the book. For the purpose of this blog, I will call him Eric. During high school I constantly imagined us as a couple, wanting him to want me, liking him so much I didn't open my eyes to other men, and only because we happened to spend so much time together. My best friend was dating his best friend and I thought it would be perfect if we could be together. Eventually, after nearly 3 years, I was running out of energy - at just about the time this book came out. The four of us went to dinner, another night where I asked myself "is this going to be the night where friendship becomes romance?" However, before dinner we wandered around the mall and I spotted this book, in front of him. It was just newly released and I read the back. In that moment, I had my epiphany. I realized with sadness and sense of relief that he just wasn't that into me. He wasn't, he couldn't help, but he just wasn't. It was what it was - in that moment I let go of all of my insecurities and became myself without hesitation. Soon afterwards he asked me out - I said no. I felt that going out with him would be step backwards for myself, not because he was a bad guy, but because I had grown up so much since that moment and I had become someone who didn't want him to want me or someone who imagined us as a couple. I was just myself. Just myself without a shadow of useless desire in on my face. When the right guy comes, I'll know and I won't have to wait three years before he decides he's interested.

*Nearly three years after college Eric dropped out of college, became an alcoholic and is on the verge of a drug addiction - he didn't hardly give me the time of day during high school, as I swooned over him, and now each time I see him I see someone I don't know walking in a body that used to hold someone I cared dearly about, but who wasn't that into me. Is this a full circle? I'm not sure.

That was pretty complicated, but I hope you got my gist.

He loves us.

"The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us."
— C.S. Lewis

I believe the words of this quote, but I also struggle with the meaning - I must remind myself that even if I make a mistake, or sin, or continue to sin, God will always love me. I cannot lose my salvation.

I am His child and His love keeps me strong - If I follow His hand to the best of my abilities, I will live a fulfilled life that He has laid out for me.

Should I let it all go? Or should I keep dreaming?

I've always wanted to write a novel. I've wanted to so much that I've practically dreamed myself into oblivion - all of the possibilities, where my journey could take me, who I could meet, what I would do if this dream was accomplished, but alas I have not even completed more than three chapters in my novel. I am dreamer that dreams of far away places, different people, and a world beyond my own yet I don't take any initiative to make my dreams come true.

Am I afraid?
No, I don't think so. Well, maybe I am and am in denial. I honestly do not know.

Do I feel I'm not good enough?
Sometimes this is my biggest problems, but other times this isn't a problem at all. This feeling of being too "little" in a such a "big" world is more a general aspect of my life and doesn't necessarily apply to my writing - I know I can write well if I want to. Maybe I just don't want to be rejected, or be told what I already know about myself - I am not any better than anyone else.

Am I stuck in my current life?
Yes. I am. The life I have now is filled with love, family, and friends - why would ANYONE want to give that up? That doesn't make sense to me either, how can I dream of leaving everything and person I know all for a dream of writing a story of people I've never met and don't exist. I don't think I'll ever figure that one out.

The three questions above are aspects of what I want from life that I am still trying to figure out - fear, rejection, and hesitation. However, while I am figuring out whether I want to pursue my dreams or not, I thoroughly enjoy reading the novels of others and reading where their minds take them. The purpose of this blog is write - just to write about the writing of others, in the hopes that I find where my writing belongs in the world.